So, I was reading through all of my old blog posts and I started to think Jesus, I actually used to be kind of good at that. Some of my blog posts actually surprised me - I don’t remember actually writing them, but they sound like me and it’s something I’d totally say, and it sounded good! I don’t say that to sound pompous or anything at all (even though it totally is coming off like that), I say that because I’m legitimately thinking that I SUCK at it now. Free writing used to be my thing, I liked it and it didn’t completely blow all the time. Words flowed, my fingers would flash across the keys and the result would be something I really believed in and truly felt. Now, that’s romanticizing it a bit. I struggled through a bunch of them and deleted bits here and there, for sure. But nonetheless it got done. When I think about it, I’m not sure I have written an actual blog post since the beginning of summer. It doesn’t help that my old blog got deleted somehow so I can’t actually track that, but it’s okay because I didn’t write anything too significant there and if I did, I’ve got the same brain - if I wrote it then, I can write it now. But, but…what happened? Why did I ever stop?
I think I can say that I stopped because it started turning into a thing with expectations. I got a new and fancy spot over at Wordpress, I planned to design it all pretty (a feat I’d have someone else do, since I have no idea how to even begin designing a website) and I wanted to start getting more “academic” or “significant” with it. At least, I think that’s what I was thinking, who knows. But whatever it was, it wasn’t me. I put all this pressure on myself to be brilliant, and every time I posted something silly or rambling I always ended up deleting it. I don’t even know why I would do that. I guess I lost the desire to write, to write anything. Reading my old blog posts, I am really sad I let myself get to that point. I mean, I’m an English major, isn’t writing kind of my thing?
For as much as I want to regret taking such a long break from regularly writing and getting out of my writing rhythm, I can’t actually say it was a bad thing. They say that’s how writing goes- you really feel it for a while, then it dies out, and then you pick it up again later. I am hoping that by acknowledging the fact that I want to write more, I will actually end up writing more to make up for all the months I’ve done nothing. Maybe I’ll stay here, maybe I’ll go back to Blogger and design what I can with that. I’m really liking the idea of going back to Blogger, there’s something almost nostalgic about that place. Even though it wasn’t that long ago, Blogger is where I began all of my free writing and where after six solid months (is that all?) of regular blogging, I got sick of it. It’d be awfully nice to pick up where I left off.
Things I would like to do before I die
1. Travel around the world.
2. Publish a book, even if my mom is the only one who reads it
3. Own a Chanel 2.55 purse (I know it’s so shallow)
4. Get married to someone who understands me, and still loves me anyway
6. Learn Italian
Things I CAN NOT do
1. Add, subtract, multiply, or do long division.
2. Walk fast. I know I walk painfully slow.
3. Always forgive.
4. Walk into a dark room.
5. Bungee jump
6. Not cry when I’m mad
Things I CAN do
1. Unwrap a Starbust wrapper with my tongue
2. Play “Moon River” on the guitar
3. Type ridiculously fast
4. Laugh with my sister so hard I cry and can’t breathe
5. Be envious…working on it…
Things I’m attracted to in men
1. Long hair.
3. The ability to tip well. It actually kind of says a lot about a guy.
4. Kindness. He’s got to have a big heart.
5. He’s got to be silly. Otherwise I’d feel like an idiot all the time.
Things I say most often
1. I know this is completely unrelated, but…
2. It’s too hot in here.
3. Do you want to?
4. “I’m sorry!”
5. Damn it all to hell!
Books I love to read
1. The Gemma Doyle series
2. Love, Stargirl
3. Harry Potter series
4. Gloria - Keith Maillard
5. Sherlock Holmes
6. Books on Buddhism
Movies I love
2. The 6-hour Pride and Prejudice
3. Almost Famous
4. Factory Girl
5. Feast of Love
6. MST3K - Manos
7. Because I Said So
9. Boondock Saints