Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

So, I was reading through all of my old blog posts and I started to think Jesus, I actually used to be kind of good at that. Some of my blog posts actually surprised me - I don’t remember actually writing them, but they sound like me and it’s something I’d totally say, and it sounded good! I don’t say that to sound pompous or anything at all (even though it totally is coming off like that), I say that because I’m legitimately thinking that I SUCK at it now. Free writing used to be my thing, I liked it and it didn’t completely blow all the time. Words flowed, my fingers would flash across the keys and the result would be something I really believed in and truly felt. Now, that’s romanticizing it a bit. I struggled through a bunch of them and deleted bits here and there, for sure. But nonetheless it got done. When I think about it, I’m not sure I have written an actual blog post since the beginning of summer. It doesn’t help that my old blog got deleted somehow so I can’t actually track that, but it’s okay because I didn’t write anything too significant there and if I did, I’ve got the same brain - if I wrote it then, I can write it now. But, but…what happened? Why did I ever stop?

I think I can say that I stopped because it started turning into a thing with expectations. I got a new and fancy spot over at Wordpress, I planned to design it all pretty (a feat I’d have someone else do, since I have no idea how to even begin designing a website) and I wanted to start getting more “academic” or “significant” with it. At least, I think that’s what I was thinking, who knows. But whatever it was, it wasn’t me. I put all this pressure on myself to be brilliant, and every time I posted something silly or rambling I always ended up deleting it. I don’t even know why I would do that. I guess I lost the desire to write, to write anything. Reading my old blog posts, I am really sad I let myself get to that point. I mean, I’m an English major, isn’t writing kind of my thing?

For as much as I want to regret taking such a long break from regularly writing and getting out of my writing rhythm, I can’t actually say it was a bad thing. They say that’s how writing goes- you really feel it for a while, then it dies out, and then you pick it up again later. I am hoping that by acknowledging the fact that I want to write more, I will actually end up writing more to make up for all the months I’ve done nothing. Maybe I’ll stay here, maybe I’ll go back to Blogger and design what I can with that. I’m really liking the idea of going back to Blogger, there’s something almost nostalgic about that place. Even though it wasn’t that long ago, Blogger is where I began all of my free writing and where after six solid months (is that all?) of regular blogging, I got sick of it. It’d be awfully nice to pick up where I left off.

*Here

Things I would like to do before I die

1. Travel around the world.
2. Publish a book, even if my mom is the only one who reads it
3. Own a Chanel 2.55 purse (I know it’s so shallow)
4. Get married to someone who understands me, and still loves me anyway
5. LIVE.

6. Learn Italian

Things I CAN NOT do
1. Add, subtract, multiply, or do long division.
2. Walk fast. I know I walk painfully slow.
3. Always forgive. 
4. Walk into a dark room.
5. Bungee jump

6. Not cry when I’m mad

Things I CAN do
1. Unwrap a Starbust wrapper with my tongue
2. Play “Moon River” on the guitar
3. Type ridiculously fast
4. Laugh with my sister so hard I cry and can’t breathe
5. Be envious…working on it…
6. Listen

Things I’m attracted to in men
1. Long hair.
2. Wit. 
3. The ability to tip well. It actually kind of says a lot about a guy.
4. Kindness. He’s got to have a big heart.
5. He’s got to be silly. Otherwise I’d feel like an idiot all the time.

6. Patience.

Things I say most often
1. I know this is completely unrelated, but…
2. It’s too hot in here.
3. Do you want to?
4. “I’m sorry!”
5. Damn it all to hell!

Books I love to read
1. The Gemma Doyle series
2. Love, Stargirl 
3. Harry Potter series
4. Gloria - Keith Maillard
5. Sherlock Holmes
6. Books on Buddhism

Movies I love
1. Amelie
2. The 6-hour Pride and Prejudice
3. Almost Famous
4. Factory Girl
5. Feast of Love
6. MST3K - Manos
7. Because I Said So
8. Brick
9. Boondock Saints
10. Elizabethtown